If I Could Save Time in a Bottle....

Today is my last day before I return to work. I hope this doesn't sound ungrateful - I realize I've had way more time off than many families are blessed to be able to afford. I also recognize that Sadie is getting bored of me and her three toys these days, and that day care will ultimately help keep her stimulated, give her new learning opportunities, and generally help her grow intellectually. And, I recognize the value of a job, of getting paid. Ultimately I want Sadie to recognize this too; I just wish it didn't mean having to be apart.

It's just so difficult to think of someone else being responsible for her all day. Even Jason can attest that when I leave the house, I tell him not to forget to feed her. And I trust him, above anyone in the world. So you can only imagine the panic I feel when I think of leaving her with people I barely know. I guess I need to let go a bit.

But I can't.

There is just so much they don't know. Like that she likes to fall asleep with her head in my right arm, not my left. Or that she always sneezes at least twice. Or the difference between a whine and a cry. And when to come running because it's now a growl-howl, no longer a cry. Or what to do when she chokes on her own saliva (an unfortunate malady she inherited from mommy). Exactly how long to let her whine before going to help her fall asleep. (That's my biggest fear - I have these graven images of her screaming alone in a pac n play for even just 30 seconds longer than when I would have been there for her, and it makes me insane. It doesn't matter that it was only 30 seconds, only that I won't be there to make sure it doesn't happen.) How to lightly stroke her face so that you trick her into closing her eyes, and then she figures out she is tired. The right cadence at which to rock her. Making sure to get her clean while still being ever so gentle during diaper changes. Remembering the A and D ointment. Remembering .... everything.

To play with her, laugh with her.

Love her. They won't love her. Not the way I do.

I want to tell them to call me when she rolls over for the first time. And when she heartily laughs also. And when she smiles, every time, so that I know why, please. And also when she does tummy time because it is not her favorite time and I want her to know I am close by. And also when she sucks her fingers, because I like to see her achieve little things like that. Oh and don't forget to please also call when she has dirty diapers because I want to know if anything changes. And also... actually, just stay on the line with me all day please. And send me a live video stream all day also please.

Actually, just bring her to me. She can just see patients with me. Is there a problem with that?





I wish I could bottle up the time I've had here at home with her and save it for my break times and my lunch times and my all the times during the work day.

I have never been known as a slacker or a pass-the-buck-er or a "no, not I" type of person. But as it pertains to my impending work day, there is now a much greater priority. I just can't see myself slaving through an extra voluntary second of work when my little girl is waiting for me to pick her up. And my inner soul is waiting to go to her, longing for her. I will have to be careful with that - residency is not the appropriate time to ask favors of others, and my coworkers have already granted me eight months of them. And Jason has already been back to work for three months. Again, I am reminded to be grateful.

I cannot help but feel that mommies and babies are supposed to stay together, though.I don't know for how long, but it's probably longer than three months. It's probably forever. The mommy in me says forever. Probably Sadie will disagree when she is 7 and 14 and 23 years old, but then I will tell her "she will see" when she has her own babies. In the meanwhile, I am spending all day today spoiling her, making time go more slowly, making lots of space in my imaginary bottle for every second.